Air Freshener-the faux pas of the century

What is the deal with air freshener’s? Who exactly are they supposed to fool? Just how long ago was it, that man- or more probably womankind discovered the offensive “Bad Smell”?

Exactly how did that conversation go?

“You know what, I’m tired of breathing your pungent aroma, I now pronounce you STINKY.” said Neanderthal woman.

“Huh? I’ve been hunting. Lunch wasn’t going to catch itself” retorted Smelly Neanderthal man.

“That’s not an excuse! March yourself to the river at once, before I spray you with some Forest Freshness!”

Okay maybe not. But I’m sure that after a similar scenario, some genius in a chemistry lab somewhere was wondering what the chemical compound for Forest Fresh was.

What brought this about was an exchange I had sometime ago. It was a time when my car was for several weeks, committed to an insane asylum as I like to affectionately call the garage. My dignity or pride were trace elements, as I was left to the whim of my kind family members, for donations of transport. So, if everyone was using their car that day, I watched reruns of the Golden Girls. And if they were going my way, I got lucky but then later was stranded wherever I was, because they claim that they “forgot” that I needed a ride BACK home. Like I’m new, and they’re still not used to me living there for 27 years.

It was during that time that I submitted to carpooling to work with my younger yet challenging brother. And because we are both Virgos, look alike and have similar character flaws, I would say that we can only love one another from afar, because too much together time, makes one want to affectionately asphyxiate the other.

“Its better than the smell of cigarettes..” said my sensible brother.

“No…ITS NOT! I would much rather marinate in an ashtray, than smell this disgusting nuclear powered tangerine.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Throw this obscenity out of the window at once, it is an insult to my nose, my brain and real citrus fruit. For God’s sake, it’s like a gigantic orange died in the trunk.”

The obscenity I’m referring to is a little harmless looking can with a matching orange colored plastic cover, which emits a horrendous smell. I don’t know what the hell they put in there, but I’m not going to open the cover and unleash the stench further. It is so strong, you have to stick your head out of the window every five minutes, not to get violently high on it. It claims to “freshen up your car” in my case it freshened up hostility. I wanted to kill it.

In order to save the can or myself from being catapulted out of the window, it was eventually settled. The can was punished and closed away from our senses into the little box thing under the armrest where you keep pens and tissues and things you never use.

“Here, let’s see how long the tapes can take it. I bet you anything they will sprout little legs and jump out of the box shrieking in horror and running for the hills.”

Needless to say, I never saw it again on our morning rides, although I know he secretly took it out when he was alone in the car.

I also once worked in an office, where the office boy, insisted on psychotically spraying a “rose” -and I use the term loosely- aerosol freshener. I was much younger then, and less outspoken. However in my head, I could see myself snatching the spray can out of his hands and beating him senseless with it. On the outside, I silently continued typing, seething on the inside at having to be subjected to breathing poisonous flower gases until 6pm.

So far, I’ve yet to meet an air freshener, I didn’t want to destroy. I feel that if you can’t stand a smell, either get out of it’s vicinity or eliminate the source. But, for the love of God, do not, I repeat, do not try to extinguish it with a can of Summer breeze. You will only end up with a headache and a stinky season-themed scent, also you will be somehow making it more pleasant for flies to hang out with you.